big ego and little self

I’ve been sitting with this on my mind for months.

Through my journey to spiritual fulfillment, I’ve dealt with some hard truths. “Shadow Work” is what people call it, when you realize that you are truly not the person your ego has disillusioned you to be. And… that’s a hard reality for most people. The delusions we partake in to make ourselves placate and hate ourselves just a little bit less are prominent, because it’s easier to pacify yourself with half-truths than to bruise your ego with the full, hard truths.

Who does the ego even serve, but itself? Are we truly better off with the ego on auto-pilot? Can you be your most authentic self when blinded by ego, an entity destined to make a person unconscious to their true place/purpose in the world? Maybe ego is a warped projection of insecurity…maybe we use ego to divest from true effort in growing as individuals.

Ego seems to be poison, in my opinion.

In the past, ego made me possessive, unable to move on from certain situations and the outcomes of choices. Ego made me defensive, unable to hold myself accountable for the consequences of my actions. Ego made me complacent, unwilling to invest the time to grow out of bad habits (because… Am I the drama? I don’t think I am the drama!) Ego made me reckless, too stubborn to care about others’ if it didn’t benefit me. Ego made me delusion, overcompensating and over-playing my significance and role in people’s lives. Ego had me believe no one would prosper after our relationship ended, that there is no one like me. That I am special. And, truly there is only one me, but that does not mean that I was the God in people’s worlds. Truthfully, I never wanted to be.

Ego is inhumane. It forces your self-perception to desire perfection. It exhausts you to perform conceit and arrogance. It deflects from critique and accountability.

Who does the ego even serve, but itself?