Untitled Ten
I shuffled through seven scenarios ten thousand times over the course of four weeks. In each scenario, my mind would automatically assume things would be okay if one minor detail was replaced. If one action was taken, the entire course of November 5th 2020 would have been different. My brain raked over each scenario meticulously, trying to find the eye of the storm to calm it. My mind expressed that, there had to be a specific reason, a catalyst. The only thing my brain could comprehend was that something was wrong. My brain could not comprehend the pain, my body would not accept it. The two would remain in disagreement ever since. I had lost my brother to himself, what was I to do with such a loss?
I never knew a brain incapacitated until I had to mourn. I have experienced loss before, but my perceptions of grief were molded around expectancy. I expected that I would experience loss once my great-grandmother got sick with dementia. I expected that I would experience loss once my grandfather contracted COVID-19. Even then, my mind and body would remain in disagreement, only agreeing to proceed to business as usual and disregard grieving. The two entities shared the pact that weakness would come if I rested and mourned, illustrating a disheartening pattern; however, I could not ignore the gravity of this loss. I could not shove it down, scarf it down like leftover pizza. I could not. I had not expected it. I had to grieve, but how?
This year has brung tremendous grief and loss. Quarantine and COVID-19 has brought the worse to the forefront of our lives. In combination with injustice and struggle, we are strained and stressed. “Business as usual” has bankrupted our spiritual, physical, and mental health. The wind had been knocked out of my lungs, and I knew I needed refuge. I physically could not express the pain, and I do not think I fully will. It is still new. But, I learned more about myself and the process of grieve through this year.
For me, there were and are several things that have kept me grounded throughout this difficult journey. The first is accepting and receiving love and care from my support system. Often, grief becomes a harrowing feeling and we push away from it. We do not allow ourselves to actualize our full strength due to fear. I learned the source of my strength comes from being centered around my family and friends. Someone loving you despite your pain is a transformative feeling. Community is such an important concept in regards to grief. Energy is transferable, and it is imperative to have a loving and empathetic environment to give way to healing.
The second thing I learned is that grief manifests itself in different ways. Myself and others were having varying reactions and responses to this loss. For some, constantly moving around and being around people was beneficial in maintaining sanity. For others, solitude and reflection was most beneficial. I was having a hard time grasping how to mourn this loss and commemorate his life. I was stuck between shutting down and spiraling, policing/pressuring myself to have the perfect response, and juggling life after loss. I scrolled through social media to see tributes to him, loved ones pouring their hearts out over his laughter, humor, loyalty, friendship, love. And, I could not say anything. I felt so guilty for continuing to live my life and not being able to express how I felt in the ways that others were. I then realized that my impatience was harming me and policing grief would only make things worse. I had to learn to be patient and still. “Be Still.” is a phrase that I always repeat to myself when I get overwhelmed to allow myself to recalibrate. I knew then that in due time, I would say something.
Finally, I learned that life is so short yet multidimensional. Life and Grief are so multilayered and operate in wavelengths. Waxing and waning, we go through phases of highs and lows. One minute, we believe time is ours and everything will go according to plan. Next, we are low and we believe nothing is going right. When things are good, we say that everything is intentional and on our side; however, things are inconceivable and unpredictable when they are bad. I learned to question everything and be accepting of the answers that are given. When things are unacceptable, change the circumstances. Overall, my appreciation for life has grown through loss. My humanity has been reaffirmed as I have felt unsurmountable pain. It is how I know I am living. And now, the real work begins.
