the art of letting go, part one
Two weeks before my birthday and I’m once again at the head of the CoS (Council of Shae’s) after a rocky November. The mental roller coaster and series of triggered responses has left the council making a special session to discuss what the hell has happened. You ever get thrown off so bad you had to take a step back and say, “Am I tripping??” Yeah, that’s what happened. And, that’s why we’re convening.
Patterns are easy to understand when they’re your own, so I am always looking to pull a quick, “let’s unpack this” (especially on myself). It’s not the most appealing to realize how affected you are by things. I mean, everyone just wants to be a chill girl nowadays. How can I be mysterious if I am so passionate and intense? How am I suppose to live, laugh, love in these conditions? I admit, the residual people pleasing trait and my inability to let things go are rearing their ugly once again. I gotta unpack this.
Historically, I have been a person that swings the pendulum between forgiveness and irreconcilable differences. I am quick to say, “I’m done with this” and then reconsidering. Extremely self-critical, I always felt that leading with empathy and understanding of how everyone can and will show up in my life is a reflection of how I show up in theirs. Therefore, I was more forgiving of behaviors I felt harmed me, for I knew I was also a flawed human being and was learning through living this life. However, my therapist and I talked through whether I was being earnest or was it enabling/dismissive to myself and others. See, I am a person that really invests in absolutes—it’s all or nothing with me. Black or White. Even though I understand and can recognize nuance, I also believe that there’s only so much nuance in the world. So naturally, I struggled between what’s worth holding on to and what’s worth moving on from. As SZA said, “Why is it so hard to accept the party is over?”
My inability to let things go is why grief and Grief are so hard for me. Accepting that the end is out of my control and the story has ended always leaves me with heaviness. I cry at the end of binging every TV show because it’s over! I feel things so intensely and also am impulsive in just speaking how I feel that it comes out so disjointed and ill-formed. I accept that I am also irrational when I am deeply triggered. However, lashing out when triggered is a result of feeling unable to be completely honest without backlash and dismissal. (Again, residual people pleasing!) Holding on to feelings to remain agreeable only makes you bitter. I can’t be upset about the actions of others when I’m acting out because… I could just walk away.
I hold onto people and force reconciliation to be perceived as mature and above it all; I am now learning that the real growth is the radical acceptance of letting go of expired goods. If you can make your grandmother throw out those expired seasonings from 2002, then you can let go of people, situations, and plans that just weren’t meant to be. Radical acceptance is a life practice. It requires restructuring your emotional and mental strength. Through this journey, I’ve been exercising my emotional muscles by always coming back to myself and the truth: Either you can live your life for you or for others—but that’s no life at all. My best friend asked me if I liked dysfunctional and I took pause. Recognizing that you’re the common denominator in your own suffering is sobering, but the ability to pivot and heal yourself is the real strength.
