me, myself and i
retrograde got me in the rinse cycle. surprisingly, im as calm as the eye of a hurricane. in true introvert and introspective fashion, i have found myself on the precipice of another epiphany. i have been mulling over friendship breakups, conflicts, and concessions. my head has been in a deep fog, constantly nitpicking past behaviors and situations as if i can materially change it. my grief is moving on to stage 5, so acceptance is clearly in view. now, my mind, body and soul are craving attention to itself. ignoring myself and sacrificing for the perceptions of goodness had me losing myself. it wasn’t noble and it was self-serving. how dare i fight to change the free will of another person? how people chose to perceive me has nothing to do with me, and how we feel is our right and humanity. in learning this, i have started the process of reassessing my self love.
self love has been commodified by capitalism so much so that people believe just a soak in the tub can cure decades of being forced to neglect yourself. (soaking in the tub is tea, please continue doing so) self love is not an image of loving oneself, it is an active pursuit of care, regard, and honor to who you are and how you are. it’s enforcing boundaries to persevere your mental, physical, and emotional health. it’s holding yourself accountable to the self-sabotage, self-harm, and self-disregard that your actions may have enabled. it’s trusting your feelings, your intuition, and choosing yourself the first time.
retrograde has me sentimental. the frontal lobe is working overtime because i feel so certain of myself. that’s a beautiful place to be after experiences made me question myself and my personhood. i never want to look in the mirror and not know who was staring back at me. all of our lives accumulate to us figuring out who we are and why are we here. purpose is the lifelong pursuit, and i feel that this spring will be so special. spring cleaning has a new meaning after i have purged this self doubt and cleaned the mental space where it once laid. self love really is the best love, and i encourage everyone to keep putting themselves first. because pouring from an empty cup has no purpose or place in a good life.
