True Life: I Am Abusive

July 3rd, 2020

RIMON, “never learned how to cope”

True Life: I Am Abusive

The headline said, “Therapist Friend Commits Assault on All of Their Patient Friends.” I squinted at the picture under the headline… Then, I woke up. 

I sat for a minute. Checked the time. Sat for another minute. Stared at the ceiling. Checked the time. Then, I opened my notes…

You would’ve thought the picture would’ve been bloodied bodies the way I was shook up. You would’ve thought Mike Tyson ten rounds on a good day, or a bad day. No...it was my insecurities on the front page. My ego on the front page. My pride on the front page. I could not make sense of it, until now. 

If you’re the “emotionally mature” friend, nine times out of ten you are the designated therapist, the emotional ventilator to venting friends, the bearer of all advice dealing with platonic or romantic relationships. You’re the giver, the over-extender. You tread lightly and speak softly. And sometimes, you too can be abusive. 

Now, I need us all to step back.  Often, we think of abuse and the Law & Order jingle blares in our heads, but no. Detective Benson is not at the scene of this crime. We are, and it's time we discuss what abuse really is and discuss the most damaging and discredited form of abuse: emotional abuse. 

Abuse is the violent ways we enact harm onto ourselves and others. Often, it is the most visible scars that validate the harm done to us; however, emotional abuse is the most pervasive and neglected trauma that devastates our lives. From an interpersonal to a societal level, emotional abuse and trauma permeates our lives. It is often unchecked due to the disregard and lack of attention to the importance of emotional and mental health. There, we are left suffering, perpetuating vicious cycles of pain and hurt. The worst part is … we may not even know it.

From partners who’ve gaslit me so much stoves would be jealous to friends who would constantly dismiss my trauma, I have had a tumultuous relationship to being on the receiving end of emotional abuse. It was not until I got to college that I stared at my reflection and truly grasped with some of the choices that I have made and been a part of that were harmful.

I wanted to believe that every decision I had made up until that point was with honest and pure intentions. I wanted to believe that there is no way I could have set out to harm myself or others. I thrived off the fact that I was the therapist friend, the confidant, the go-to, the good girl. In my eyes and mind, I could do no wrong. Well… I was wrong. And I’ll tell you why.

Within being the therapist friend, there’s this internalization of the “savior” complex. In your eyes, you know what’s best for everyone. You’re the wise friend, the others are not as aware as you are. You believe everything you say is law, and sometimes you overstep, misstep, and trip up. You lose sight of the innate imperfections of the human experience, which you are a part of, and you cause harm. You cause harm unintentionally when you are blinded by “good intentions”. Intentions are our expected outcomes based on the Oscar award winning scenarios we create in our head. We believe that our perceptions should be the end all be all, that our solutions are sound. We are the Annalise Keatings of resolution, supposedly. But, we lose sight and reality sets in, for no two people think and perceive life in the exact same way. Now that your perception has distorted your expectations, your impact gives the adverse effect than what you desired. “It’s the principle of the situation.” does not matter when individuals do not have the same life experiences and expectations. Good intentions do not matter once the impact becomes negative. Now, you’ve unintentionally caused harm. This behavior left unchecked turns into a cycle of subliminal emotional abuse, for we can not truly envision the people who show us care and affection harming us. Its overstepping into a friend’s relationship. it’s giving unsolicited opinions and negative commentary about a friend’s life choices, Its not holding oneself accountable for the harm inflicted. It’s the inability to see outside of your perception. It’s guilt-tripping your friend with feigned hurt or dismissing them when they bring forth their feelings about your harm. It’s never reflecting on how your actions harm others. or even yourself.

Yes, you can emotionally abuse yourself.

And, I’ve seen you do it.

In The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz asserts that, “Self-rejection is the biggest sin you can commit.” Whenever you engage in harmful choices, feelings, beliefs that are in opposition to who you are, you reject yourself. When you make a decision that goes against your intuition, you are rejecting yourself. When you chose to berate yourself, you are rejecting yourself. Negating the real, valid emotions that you feel is rejecting yourself. That is abusive. And, I’m ready for us to forgive ourselves.

It is time that we give ourselves an immunity deal. Forgive ourselves and others for the harm that has permeated our lives up until recently. For our choices, actions, feelings, circumstances. Not for anyone else but ourselves. Once we start looking inward to heal, we can begin fostering healthy relationships and creating communities built upon peace and wholeness.

Healthline.com gives 64 signs of mental and emotional abuse and the ways you can cope and heal from those actions, whether inflicted upon or self-inflicted upon you. Healing isn’t linear and it is not swift. It is a laborious journey. And, it’s going to hurt and be comfortable as hell. But, unlearning the negative behaviors and beliefs that have soured many of our interactions with each other is the beginning of a fulfilling life.

Also…

Can you tell I’ve been binging How to Get Away With Murder?

Remember, we’re imperfectly made in a higher power’s image, and that is MORE than enough. And, we’re going to get through this journey called Life. Together <3