post-grad: episode one

Going through “world-altering” life events makes recaps especially hard. My eagerness and reluctance to spill the beans on my life post-grad leaves me frazzled, but this felt good. These words felt like silk sheets on a cool summer evening. Recaps are hard, but here we go:

“If your re-cap starts off with “so BOOM…”, you’re LAME!”

anyways…

Post-grad started in December. My five year plan included grad school applications, so year one was a go. I had the top schools on my list, I was ambitious. I believed that the accolades I accumulated over the past four years were the ticket to six figures and black girl luxury. I spent four years internalizing all of the ideals of who I should be, what I should be doing, who I should and should not be doing it with. I leaned into it. It was mine for the taking (or so I thought).

Then, I got burnt out.

We say burnt out in a very nonchalant way; however, everyone who ever gave a shoulder or an ear to cry on knew I was incinerated. in these four years, I went through some THANGS.

real stank thangs.

real heavy thangs.

things that leave grooves in the leather sofa after they have been long gone.

My five year plan did not account for any of the grief, loss, disappointment, and restructuring. yet, I began post-grad life submitting those applications. All I had to do was submit those applications.

I entered senior year with an audacity so bold, every iteration of me was shocked. I knew what I wanted and how I wanted it. I made mood boards, manifested, talked to big G (and my OGs). I had the audacity to throw anxiety aside. I deserved everything, how could I not receive it?

(TL;DR : she loses everything)

(That’s dramatic.)

Well, at the time I did. No acceptances, no opportunities, nothing. The five year plan that I have had since I was seventeen was axed quicker than I dreamt it.

Down the drain.

And, I could not handle it.

Who am I outside of this five year plan? Am I not worthy of acknowledgment if I am not on the same playing field as my peers? If I am not out here taking trips and going corporate? I spent four years getting curb stomped by imposter syndrome, not even believing I was an imposter.

That was too generous.

I was not doing a good job of assimilating into the scene. I felt as though I was always an outsider, too timid to even steal the playbook and too scary to dive head first. And when post-grad hit, I had to step back and accept that this iteration of myself did not align with who I really was suppose to be.

I was trying to fit into spaces that weren’t designed for me. And, that’s a reality check.

My post-grad experience has been me accepting the realities I was fighting so cruelly against in undergrad. I held myself back from so much of myself because I was overwhelmed with who would show up. and how they would show up. I locked myself up in anxiety and grief and stubbornly turned away from the noise.

I spent so much time telling other people to accept what is and look within for peace. Yet, I choose the path of MOST resistance and resented myself for it. My struggle meant nothing, and that is a hard pill to swallow for my ego.

(Killing my ego was also very hard for my ego. RIP.)

Everything boiled down to me simply not trusting myself. I spent a lot of time having people pour into me the qualities they wanted me to embody, the ideologies they wanted me to have, the things they wanted me to love, the accomplishments they wanted me to have. Soon enough, I believed I wanted those things myself. And, I did not trust myself enough to even question why I gave in so easily. That caused me to stay in places too long, unwelcomed and unsightly. It caused me to be resentful.

I had to get out of that, chile.

My passive aggressiveness and self-loathing left me a shell of a person, naked and afraid. Yet, understanding myself meant accepting all the stank parts of myself. post-grad gave me a true mirror to see everything that I was, everything that I am not, and everything that I am.

post-grad is one of the hardest filler episodes I have ever starred in. It sheds a spotlight on the worst of your insecurities, the inner monologue that tells you that your choices are not yours. That things will fall apart.

Yeah… those that you pushed to the back of mind just so you could cross that stage.

(spoiler alert: ya girl in love, degreed, paid, AND getting her mph!!)

post grad has made me reevaluate everything I ever wanted and why. Was it for me or for the world?

Well shoutout my nigga Brent Faiyaz, cause fuck the world.