adulthood: in living color
Gaining clarity after a season of floating through the abyss of burn out, unrealized potentials, and the overwhelming burden of committing to the future has left me grasping for some feel good. It has finally arrived: the reality of adulthood post-academia. No longer can I hide behind a next fall semester. Now, I have to fully immerse myself into the who and how of showing up in this world. I have to be decisive and unbothered. unbought. unbossed. (shoutout to our girl Shirley!) Truthfully, that reality leaves a huge lump in my throat. Barreling closer to my frontal lobe being fully developed has made me more sensitive to being stagnant. I have been dealing with a split brain of sorts: being overly observant of the world & being present with others but also having to focus/prioritize myself. I have become increasingly aware of the doubt that I had shoved to the subconscious to maintain the autopilot that is juggling multiple commitments (school + work + nonprofit). Now that I have some breathing room, I have been becoming acquainted with the realities and feelings left in the back room. Those invisible elephants in the room are now visible and it’s by time I unpack everything I hit snooze on before.
One of my main goals for the summer is unpacking my people pleasing . It manifests itself as leaning more to how I am perceived as a person in comparison to how I sustain relationships. I overthink my actions and how they may be perceived or how they may impact others. This causes me to be paralyzed and unable to be decisive in any and all situations. The symptom of the people pleasing is the ruminating and overthinking about how I engaged in conflicts in the past or how I will handle conflicts in the future. I have been going to therapy and chipping away at the phase little by little, working on symptoms such as indecision by setting firm standards and following through with plans, lessening my rumination by actively accepting the past and releasing control of what the future may be, and removing the excess need to be perceived positively by accepting that how others perceive me is a projection of their values, beliefs, and ideas that I may not even fully subscribe to or respect. Breaking everything down to its molecular level has made things plain: everyone is operating in their own universes and focusing on others’ perceptions is just not conducive to surviving AND thriving in an environment so overwhelming and unpredictable.
Obviously, I have a lot of elephants to make visible and unpack the subconscious so that I can enter a season without burn out and stress. A major part of that is truly becoming patient and releasing the need to know what happens next. I did not realize how much of a control freak I was until the pandemic knocked all of my plans off their axis. It stunned me into recognizing my full humanity and the imperfections of this experience. I was so focused on a portrayal of having it together that that effort overshadowed my ability to just live and let live. It disallowed me the ability to appreciate the moments I was living in, as I was worrying about what was next. Overall, I am grateful that every day I have the chance to come to terms with it all and move forward with more wisdom than the day before.
I always tell people that im just a toddler adult. I have only been an independent adult for two years, working and doing graduate studies. I have been a 20 something for four years. I have lived so many lives in these 4 years that it completely stuns me; however, in consideration of the world we are currently living in, I give myself all the grace, love, and respect for continuing to bring optimism to the forefront after such significant grief and life changes. I hope that anyone who reads this also gives themselves that grace because we are truly doing better than we think.
